


The Adventures of Steve and Trying Too Hard (Unofferable Oneshot)

by AnMorrighan



Series: Unofferable Series [3]
Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Breaking the Fourth Wall, Domestic Avengers, Explicit Language, F/M, Friendship, Humor, Post-Thor: Ragnarok (2017), Tony Being Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-06-07
Packaged: 2019-05-19 12:06:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,245
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14873453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnMorrighan/pseuds/AnMorrighan
Summary: In an ideal universe where Loki and Ellie find themselves living happily in the Avengers Compound, Bucky Barnes presents us with the reasons why a certain super soldier can’t help but be enamoured by the young woman, but also elaborates as to why it is an absolutely terrible idea.





	The Adventures of Steve and Trying Too Hard (Unofferable Oneshot)

**Author's Note:**

> The idea for this oneshot came about through a conversation I had with a close friend with regards how the other Avengers would get on with Ellie if they were to ever meet within the Unofferable universe. As it was, my friend was convinced that Steve Rogers would have the hots for Ellie, but I suppose we couldn’t really blame him right? This is pure humour, crack, banter between pals, with a little bit of Loki and Ellie thrown in, but hopefully y’all enjoy it either way. For the purpose of this oneshot, let’s just imagine that Ellie has been living on Earth since TDW with no idea that Loki was still alive, alrighty? Also, Infinity War never happened because I said so. And THANK YOU FOR 350 KUDOS ON UNOFFERABLE! You’s are a delight to write for and thanks for sticking with me <3
> 
> Playlist (https://spoti.fi/2JiSdgd): “Still Into You” — Paramore, “Hard Times” — Paramore

If there was one thing Bucky couldn’t fault Steve for, it was for trying.

_Incessantly._

And if there was one person Steve could not stop trying to get the attention of, it was Ellie.

He saw the way the Super Soldier eyed the young woman when he thought no one was looking. Heck, you would have to be blind _not_ to see it — even then, Bucky questioned whether someone who was visually impaired wouldn’t notice the constant pining. To him, and most of the team, it was as plain as day. This was, however, an awful idea for two reasons:

One, Ellie was still completely infatuated with her former lover, Loki, also known as the _God of fucking Mischief_ , no matter how she might deny it given recent events. 

And two, it didn’t seem like Steve was her type. _At All._

Bucky couldn’t fault her for that. After all, being attracted to someone of the desirable sex was all down to uncontrollable personal preference. He loved Steve more than anyone, but if she saw his friend as nothing more than just that, he wasn’t going to argue. As long as she wasn’t a bitch about it, he would leave her to whatever men she wanted to actually date. She seemed to enjoy flirting with Bucky more than even attempting to reciprocate Steve’s advances. At least Bucky knew that she was merely joking with him, given the nature of how their friendship had blossomed after he was taken out of cryo. He enjoyed her company immensely, and it was refreshing to be around someone who was aware of his struggles while also avoiding treating him like he was made of glass. 

Since Thor and Loki had returned to Earth, after what was apparently the destruction of their home world — _planet, realm? I ain’t got no fuckin’ clue_ —things in the compound had been tense. Bucky was not surprised when Ellie placed a cracking slap on the very-much-alive-Loki’s cheek. He whistled at the sight, while the god tried his best to smile at her while she verbally destroyed him for faking his death _again._ Having heard all about their relationship, Bucky understood her anger and frustration. You couldn’t help but sympathise with her when she stormed out of the room to cool off. It was sometime before she was willing to stay in the same room as him, but the insistence of pressing missions and requests for the Avengers’ assistance meant she would have to adjust to the new team member faster than she had hoped. Eventually, they were on — albeit, tense — speaking terms. Now that he saw them together, it was clear that they shared a deep bond spanning years. They were alike in mannerisms and habits, and Bucky usually watched them intently when they were in close quarters; they spent a great deal of time staring at the other when their back was turned. Bucky was getting impatient as to when they would stop being so stubborn and just admit they still loved each other.

Of course, Steve, the _punk,_ saw this as his window of opportunity to declare his feelings for her. The day he approached Bucky for advice in the kitchen nearly left the latter crying in amusement.

“Ya wanna _what?”_ he asked the Captain, wiping the tears from his cheeks as he sat at the counter eating a massive bowl of cereal.

Steve glared at him and pursed his lips together. “Jesus, Buck. There’s no need to be an ass about it.”

“No, no, no, ’m sorry. Just…explain that again.”

With a roll of his eyes, Steve repeated himself. “I want to ask Ellie out to dinner. Or maybe coffee, if she’d prefer that. Like a date.”

“ _You_ want to ask _Ellie_ out on a _date?”_

“Yes.”

Bucky paused, holding back his grin. “Ah, I think ya might be punchin’ above your weight there, Stevie.”

Steve’s face fell immediately. “What do you mean?”

Frowning in his seat, the Winter Soldier let out a sigh and set down his spoon in the bowl. “Judgin’ by her relationship history, she seems to have a kinda… _particular_ taste. And high end taste, at that.”

“You saying I’m not high end?”

“Nah, punk. I’m sayin’ that she was so deeply involved with Loki. Plus, it’s obvious he still loves her and that she loves him, if ya ask me. I mean…he’s basically a god. Maybe you shoulda sat this one out, pal.”

“If they loved each other, would they not just talk it out and get back together?” he asked, apparently not entirely convinced by his reasoning.

“I don’t think their situation is as easily put as that, even though I think they should just bite the bullet and talk about it.”

Steve shrugged, doing nothing to mask his dejected expression at the thought of Ellie not reciprocating his feelings. “Alright, that’s fair to say. But I really like her, Buck. What’s to say that maybe she likes me too? We get on pretty well.”

“I know ya do, but Loki would probably try to kill ya if you went anywhere near her and you know it. He has superpowers and shit. Don’t mess with magic, Steve.”

“Awh, _c’mon—_ ”

“D’ya see how he shoots energy from his _hands?_ That’s fuckin’ cool. Ya can’t do that.”

“I know but—”

“He’d end ya in two seconds flat. Give up before you begin, that’s my advice. ’Ve got fifty bucks on Loki anyway; twenty that _she’s_ gonna slap ya ’round like a rag doll.”

“Why would Ellie do—?”

“Ya got no hope, Steve. Punchin’ way above your weight here.”

“ _Okay, Bucky! I see your point!”_

The former assassin did his best to hold back a grin. He loved to tease his best friend when the opportunity arose, so this occasion was no different. “’M not sure ya do. Lemme explain, okay, pal?”

“Oh, _this_ should be good,” Steve said dryly and sat down on a stool next to him. “Well? Out with it.”

“Well, you’re punchin’ above your weight here, number one, ’cause that guy is a literal _god_ or some shit, and, number two, she’s too hot for you anyway. ‘Ve a better chance with a dame like that.”

The Captain’s face was anything but amused, his eyes now narrowed and lips pursed tightly. “Of course, Bucky.”

Bucky shrugged casually and went back to eating his previously abandoned cornflakes. “I ain’t wrong!”

“Something tells me that you’re talking shit, punk,” Steve grunted and rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Your advice has been anything but helpful.”

“ _You_ came to me for advice,” he replied. “’S not my problem if you think it’s harsh. I’m just tryin’ to look out for ya. I don’t think it would end well.”

“What wouldn’t end well?” an unmistakable voice called from the other side of the room. The super soldiers turned to see Tony strolling towards them.

“Awh, _Jesus,_ ” Steve groaned under his breath. “Anyone but _him_ …”

Without hesitation, Bucky explained the situation. “Steve wants to ask Ellie out on a date because he thinks she pretty.”

Steve’s gaze immediately shot to his (now former) best friend. “ _Bucky?!_ What the hell—!?”

“Oh,” Tony whistled with a cringe on his face and made his way over to the presses. “Damn, Cap. That’s a terrible idea.”

“ _Why?”_ he demanded, distraught. “And why are you making that face?”

“It’s a terrible idea because there is a certain demigod in your way,” he stated simply as he grabbed a mug for some coffee. “Loki would sooner tear you in half then let your big muscly-self get anywhere near his beloved. And I’ll have you know that this is the face I make when I hear a very stupid idea.”

“Have ya forgotten he threw Stark outta window before?”

“ _You_ weren’t even there when that happened!”

“That’s irrelevant.”

“Not really!”

“Alright,” Tony cut in, waving his free hand while he poured coffee into his mug with the other. “We’re getting sidetracked.”

Bucky nodded in agreement. “The main point we’re tryin’ to make is that ya definitely shouldn’t be chasin’ after Loki’s girl, even if you guys are close. While what I said about her likin’ me instead of you was meant to kinda annoy ya, I also meant it in terms of her taste in guys.”

As Bucky was expressing his thoughts, Tony stood there umm-hmming along and blowing on his hot beverage. “I’m with Sergeant Plum on this one, Cap. Punching _way_ above your weight. Plus, last time you fought Loki, he slapped you silly until I showed up to save the day.”

Captain America stood there and scoffed aloud with the biggest pout on his face. “I hate all of you.”

“No you don’t; you love us.”

Steve looked positively horrified as Tony made a kissy face at him, and Bucky nearly choked on his cereal as he laughed. “How old are you, Tony?”

The billionaire was quick to gasp in mock hurt. “That is a very impolite question so I will not dignify it with an answer. Also, Barnes is right; he would have a better chance with her. You’re too… _blonde,_ or something. Too morally righteous! You need to break the rules a little! Be spontaneous!”

“ _Unpredictable!”_ Bucky added excitedly.

Tony clicked his fingers and continued on. “If you plan to compete with the God of Mischief, obviously! Reindeer Games is always doing spontaneous stuff.”

“He’s probably the most spontaneous guy here.”

“Oh, and dye your hair. Get a beard!” Tony paused thoughtfully, took a quick sip of his coffee, and then explained further. “Basically, become Barnes in terms of looks, and Loki in terms of attitude. Got it? That way you’ll be set!” Steve was about to reply, but was overshadowed by more of his friend’s quick thinking. “Although she still might choose Loki ’cause, you know, _history_ and stuff.” He shrugged. “Can’t compete with that.”

“Tony’s got a point,” Bucky confirmed. “You’re competin’ with someone she basically grew up with…on another planet… While you were frozen in some ice.” He hesitated for a few seconds then nodded his head firmly and met his old friend’s eyes. “Maybe ya should just sit down, Stevie.”

“It’s over, Rogers,” Tony agreed and gave the man a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. “You tried but it was never going to work out.”

“ _What?”_ Steve exclaimed, looking between the pair completely stunned. “But I didn’t even get to try yet!”

“You tried your best,” Bucky went on, ignoring his outburst. “But she just wasn’t into ya.”

“Just hold on a minute,” he grumbled, using his Captain’s voice to shut them up. “I’m not afraid of Loki, okay? He has no say over who she decides she wants to go on dates with. He doesn’t own her.”

Tony raised a brow and casually leaned against the counter behind him. “Uh, it’s not just Loki you have to worry about.”

“What do you mean?”

“You forgot about the shippers.”

“Awh Jesus, _Tony_ …”

“The who?” Bucky asked, realising that he was missing something important. “I don’t follow.”

“The shippers,” Tony repeated, his face quite relaxed. “It’s a name given to fans who really love two characters together as a couple. They say that they ‘ship them’. And when they have a favourite ship — let’s say Ellie and Loki — they mix their names together to make the ship name. In this case, it’s Lollie, which is sickeningly adorable. Loki plus Ellie makes Lollie. You get it?”

“Kinda,” Bucky replied, scratching his bearded jaw. “And they do this for all different characters?”

“You bet they do! My personal favourite is the ship name for Pepper and I; _Pepperony_. It’s genius.”

“Oh, that is pretty clever! So, hypothetically, Steve and Ellie would make… _Stellie?”_

“ _Eww,_ ” Tony gasped as a shudder ran through him. “It sounds unnatural.”

“Okay,” Steve grabbed their attention, finding it hard to keep himself calm. “You two are getting distracted again. Why should I be worried about the shippers?”

Tony looked at him in mild disbelief. “Are you joking? They would not approve at all! Do you have _any idea_ how loyal the Lollie shippers are?”

“I’m assuming very?”

“ _Very._ ”

Steve sighed heavily. “Alright but I don’t exactly care about the opinion of these people. Let them be disappointed. Is the main concern here not Ellie and I being happy?”

“Look, nobody likes disappointing shippers. You could always just veer towards _another_ pairing—”

“I’ve already told you, I’m not gay, Tony.”

“Well I hope you’re happy disappointing all the Stucky and Stony shippers.”

Bucky leaned back in his chair, his eyes narrowing. _Did he just fuckin’ say…_

“Did you just smash our names together?” he asked Tony, pointing between himself and Steve. “In one’a those ship name things?”

Tony nodded. “Yeah, some of them are into the idea of you two bumping uglies.”

“Pfft, _no way._ He’s not my type; way too needy.”

“Did you just call me needy, _jerk?”_

“I’m just sayin’ what we’re all thinkin’, _punk._ ”

“See?” Tony insisted, waving his free hand between them. “It’s playful banter like that that makes people ship you two beefcakes.”

“Look, Tony,” Steve began slowly, doing his best to regain some amount of control over the conversation. “I see the points you’ve both made, but I think I’m just going to ask Ellie myself and see what she says.”

“Ask Ellie what, Captain?”

All three of the men froze mid-conversation at the sound of another person’s voice joining in. Bucky slowly turned his head to see the God of Mischief himself standing in thedoorway of the kitchen. His face was completely blank, not giving away any ounce of emotion, and all this did was make the Winter Soldier unsure as to whether he had heard much of the conversation.

“Uh,” Steve drawled, looking very much like a cornered animal. Bucky had to hold back a grin at his previous statement of not being afraid of Loki. “I j-just was going to ask Ellie if she wanted to, eh, go for a…run later.”

“ _Fuckin’ hell,_ ” Bucky mumbled under his breath and withheld the urge to facepalm. Steve was always a terrible liar.

Loki, looking completely stone faced, walked slowly into the kitchen and replied. “I see.”

“How are you two doing, actually?” Tony asked, watching as the demigod opened the fridge and pulled out an apple. “You and Ellie? Still having trouble in paradise?”

“There is no trouble, Stark.”

“Uh, not to be the bearer of bad news, but have you forgotten that wicked handprint she left on your chiselled cheek?”

“I think that is of little relevance,” he shrugged and sat at the counter across from Bucky and Steve with his apple and a knife in hand. “Women do that to me frequently.”

“Didn’t ya also get a slap off the Hulk?” Bucky asked as he finished his own food

“Banner hits a little harder than Ellie,” Loki answered, cringing slightly at the memory. “I find that when she hits me it is a lot more…pleasurable.”

Steve’s eyes nearly fell out of his head at that. “ _What the fu—_ ”

“So you two are…” Tony set down is mug and made a circle with his index finger and thumb before repeatedly putting his other index finger through. “Gettin’ some again?”

Loki stared back, expression unreadable. “I beg your pardon?”

“Never mind. What I mean is, let’s say someone were to — oh, I don’t know — ask her out, let’s say on an intimate get-together. We call that kinda thing a _date_ here on Earth. What would you do if someone asked Ellie out on a date?”

All three men looked at Loki intently, gauging his reaction in a way that Bucky was aware probably made it very obvious that _someone_ did in fact want to ask Ellie out. Alas, they sat expectantly and the Trickster picked up his apple and began slowly carving slices as he spoke. “If someone were to seek out the little one and ask to court her, I can assure you that he would not get within ten feet of her before I were to slit his throat with this knife, _Captain_.”

As if to drive his point home further, Loki stabbed the knife down through the apple’s core and suddenly levelled his gaze on a very stunned Steve. The silence in the room was deafening for some time.

“It as nice knowing you, Cap,” Tony said in a rush, patted his shoulder, then hurried out of the room as quickly as possible with coffee in hand.

The two super soldiers were staring at the god in disbelief, a sweat very clearly beginning to break out on Steve’s forehead.

“Do you think me an idiot?” Loki hissed, green eyes boring into him.

“Eh…no.”

“I did warn ya,” Bucky mumbled, awkwardly sitting there with his bowl in his grasp.

“Hey, guys.”

The sight of the subject of their conversation walking into the kitchen caused Bucky to let out a relieved sigh. Ellie walked up to the counter and assessed them all. “Jesus, what’s goin’ on in here? You’s look a bit tense.”

“We’re just talkin’ about…women,” Bucky explained while the other two glared at each other. “Ya know how guys get about women! Anyway, what brings ya to this side of the compound?”

Ellie nodded slowly, clearly not convinced in the slightest, but avoided the subject anyway. “I was lookin’ for Loki, actually. Tony said you were in here.”

“Yes, love?” he answered, grinning in delight.

“I was comin’ to get you so we could watch some more _Black Mirror._ Are you good to go?”

“Of course.” He got to his feet and handed her a slice of apple which she took happily. “Lead the way.”

Before they could get anywhere near the door, Steve bit the bullet and called out. “Hey, uh, Ellie?”

Bucky was quick to intervene with a hushed, “ _Steve—_ ”

“What’s up?” Ellie asked, standing in front of Loki and unaware of the look of complete distain her former lover ( _possibly current? Who fuckin’ knows…_ ) was sending the Captain.

“Any chance you might want to, uh, get a cup of coffee together later? I’d love to talk more about that book we were discussing before.”

The young woman showed no obvious signs of surprise, but Bucky knew that she became a master of hiding her emotions because she learned from the best. Even still, it took her a few seconds to answer. “Sorry, Steve. I promised I’d watch telly with Loki tonight. Maybe another time soon though? ”

He smiled slightly and nodded. “Sure, have a good night.”

With that, the pair left the room and left Steve and Bucky sitting at the counter alone once more.

“Sorry, pal,” Bucky said sympathetically after a moment.

His friend met his gaze and answered. “What?”

“I know ya liked her a lot. It’s never nice gettin’ rejected.”

Steve was the picture of confusion. “What are you talking about, Buck? I didn’t get rejected.”

Bucky’s eyes went wide at his statement. “Yes, ya did. Did ya just fail to notice that she said no?”

“Actually, she said ‘another time’. That’s not an outright no. There’s still a chance!”

“Oh my god,” Bucky sighed and held his head in his hands. “You’re really not helpin’ the blonde beefcake stereotype, ya know that?”

Steve let out a chuckle at that and shook his head. “Shut up, jerk.”

“Not a chance, punk.”


End file.
